Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

Cheers Twitter.

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

Otters drive ottermobiles.

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.