When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
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{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person