When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
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I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead