Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

Pringles

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

“dress for the job you want”

“ok!”

*shows up to work naked*

“what are you doing”

“i don’t want a job”

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.