Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

gm

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.