When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
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[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.