Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud