When someone says you are so lazy
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After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming