When someone says you are so lazy
You Might Also Like
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
*launders Kohls cash*
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home