When someone says you are so lazy
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I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
we all know this pain all too well
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants