When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
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Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I WON A HAM TODAY
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!