When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
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CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what