When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
You Might Also Like
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
i love meeting boys on tinder
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.