Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
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lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊