Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

kids play hide and seek like

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again