Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

Does this dress make me look cat?

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem