When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
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My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
reminder
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*