When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
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I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”