When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
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Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
every college guy’s fridge
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…