When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
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If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*