When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
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oh no, steve’s working tonight
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved