When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
![]()
You Might Also Like
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
We’ve all been there…
![]()
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Brands during Pride
![]()
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive