Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.