Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Sell your car

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*