When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
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[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks