Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Why I divorced her.

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.