When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
You Might Also Like
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Happy birthday to all the women
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!