When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
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I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
the three branches of government
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!