When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
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I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.