Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas