When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
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When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
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I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err![]()
sigh
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Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
But I really needed water water water
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Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
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LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars