I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
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I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
dream blunt rotation
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*