Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

ah yes….my favourite videogame

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”