Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

*weighs self after shaving

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

can’t talk my ride’s here

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.