When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
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While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
My loaf of bread looks terrified
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.