When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
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Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Happy Friday
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”