When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
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Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Fun Things
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.