When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
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When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Friday night party time 🥳
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…