When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
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*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?