When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/