When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
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Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.