When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
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Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.