When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
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If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I mean…but I did
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*