Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

that’s really how it is

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

superman landing like a plane on his belly

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

meanwhile over on facebook

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow