When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
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Tuesday
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox