Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

the best thing i’ve ever made

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”