When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
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Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
so i’m at the stock market right
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Squash
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.