When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
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*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.