when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
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[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.