when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
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There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
opening twitter today
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Respect
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
