When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
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“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Seems kinda suspicious
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.