When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
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I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]