When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
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I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Perfect
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
The days of good grammer has went