When someone trying to leave me
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I need this for my side hustle.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I didn’t know they can drive…
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha