When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
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Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back