When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
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“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Oh hi lol
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
