Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
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I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Oh my God.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”