When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don’t invite people to my house.

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HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁


Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.


Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.


moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea”
me: try getting tacos instead, genius


me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.


If there’s enough room to spell ‘bootylicious’ on the back of your shorts, it probably isn’t.


These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich