When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
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GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*