Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

I can’t wait!

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

yeah 😭

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

At least my masseuse has my back.

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

Cold.

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.