Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What flavor cupcake are these

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

💀💀

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says

I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom