Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

how do i lose 30 pounds without cutting out baja blast, coffee creamer, and my ritual of eating 400 calories worth of candy at 11pm???

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.