*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
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Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
58.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
found this cool rock hiking today
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.