Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT