Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

me hooking up with my ex

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way