When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
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Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Life is a suicide mission.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of