when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
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If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
