when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
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New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Me trying to walk in a dream
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???