When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them