When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
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lmfao come on
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
this independent good boy don’t need no human
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
as the prophecy foretold
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber