Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

😬

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.