When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
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4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
#Caturday
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.